aqualimestar's Diaryland
Diary
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Anorexia Devours
I am not my anorexia. I am a girl who loves taking pictures, traveling, shopping, art, fashion, the ocean, and children. I laugh at stupid jokes, I am passionate about stem cell research, politics, and ethics.
I am not anorexia. I keep telling myself this as I struggle to eat a salad with chicken on it. Second one of the day... A big step for me.
I want to cry. I feel so selfish. I look so fat. The salad takes over two hours to eat.
If I do not eat, anorexia wins.
I am a girl who loves her husband, who loves making other people happy, who loves books like "Harry Potter" and "The Chronicles of Narnia." I enjoy playing jokes, watching movies, laughing with friends, cuddling with my husband...
I keep telling myself, "If I do not eat, anorexia wins."
I am trying to eat a bit more each day. I gained two pounds. I feel repulsive.
Anorexia. It is consuming me. I am not myself. Myself is trapped.
If I do not eat, I will die.
So I eat. I eat slowly, ritualistically... but I begin to eat. My doctors say the most important thing is that I begin to eat. Right now, I should not focus on how long it takes. That if it takes rituals to make me comfortable, then that is what I must do.
I am drowning. My brain is in a fog. How did this happen?
There were days where I did not eat anything.... Is that how?
I want cookies, crepes, burritos... I enjoy food.
I eat salad with some chicken.
I want baklava.
No one could love me. Because I am not me. A mind devoured. A body trapped.
I do not deserve to eat.
I do not want to die.
Today, anorexia did not win. Today, my healthy self won. It won yesterday as well.
I need so little to gain weight right now... An increase of 10-25 calories a day...
And I gain. On 200 calories a day, I begin to gain weight. I still increase.
They do not recognize my personality anymore. I do not recognize myself.
I am up to 92 pounds today. Tomorrow I will probably be up to 94.
I am not anorexia.
I am not anorexia.
I am not anorexia.
Anorexia will not kill me.
12:12 a.m. - 2008-04-05
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Vacant
I was looking through photos of us. I do that on a regular basis. Then, I came across the pictures of Colorado.
And I realized...
I miss you so much.
Because you are gone I am terrified of losing you.
I am losing you, every day. You stopped talking to me.... You speak, but it is superficial.
And I stop too. Because to put it in words...
I don't think you would understand.
I feel so alone.
I am so alone.
I want... I want to be in Michigan, Chicago, Colorado.
With you.
I hate this.
With Silence...
Farther we fall...
Apart.
1:27 a.m. - 2008-03-05
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Isolation
The silence is deafening, shrouding the mind in damp, thick, gray clouds. No one to talk to, no one to hear.
Disconnected, lines gone dead.
Screams of nothing, silence. No one left to care.
An empty room, a dim light. Only the crackling of soda, the murmer of the monitor.
She wants to get out, but there is no escape.
When did they all disappear? Become so far away?
The less said, the more seen, hidden, she observes...
No one needs her.
No one wants her.
They forget she is still there.
To them, she is gone.
Only she feels the emptiness of the space consuming her.
2:01 a.m. - 2008-03-02
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I'm Sorry
I will never be good enough.
No matter what, I will never be able to please everyone.
Everything I do displeases someone.
Where did I go so wrong?
I am sorry.
I want to make you happy.
I want to please you.
I want not to hurt them.
I wish I could disappear.
12:38 a.m. - 2008-02-29
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An Eternity, Just for Today
Let us leave right now. Just for a moment. Let us travel to Michigan on this warm summer's day. We'll walk around the town, past the quaint little shops that have survived history and will continue on into the future. Over creaking wooden planks and a row of ice cream and gelatto shops. We will get two scoops of ice cream, and ultimately you will decide that I made the better flavor choice. We will laugh about nothing and everything as our troubles float away on the cool breeze of summer.
As dusk approaches, we will sit at the campfire, creating little cups of luscious cocoa out of chocolate marshmellows. The stars will watch over us as we make love on the wooden planks next to the dimming fire.
Just for today, we will run in the waves of the vast ocean, the one that we call a lake. The full moon will glisten on the white sand, creating an inviting light at the arrival of midnight. Together, we will run in to the waves, naked, shivering and laughing, using warmth as another reason to not let go. The dog will bark at us, bidding us to come back ashore, and we will run, barefoot, through the white sand and tall reeds of grass. Together, we will burst into the cottage through the curtained off room, and whisper ourselves to sleep, holding hands, as the tv drones in the background.
And I will not let go for an eternity, if just for today. I will cut out my heart, to take back today.
11:55 p.m. - 2008-02-18
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Lamb's Mary
The earth shook beneath her, the floor came undone. Something distressing, horror to come
As the last drop was added to the dam, the flood gates burst, unleashing overwhelming anger in the usually docile lamb.
Mary had a little lamb, or did the lamb have Mary? She did not wish on mirrors, chant the name, but nonetheless, Bloody Mary came.
She dreamt of an unborn child's hand, floating in the latrine, an innocent, never to be born, so wanting to be seen.
The girl's remorse overpowered her, the curse, a desire so deep, the belief in a miracle of what she wanted, a fragile leap.
Bloody Mary chased her, scratched her with her nails, turned her scars to open wounds, cacking, "No child for you, your body fails!"
Around Eden's garden they ran, the trees were barren, the skies a deep gray, the desolate garden, foreshadowing doom's day.
Mary caught up and stabbed the white lamb, her nails dug deep, her laughter a roar, through the air, she watched the lamb soar.
A crimson color, deeper than hate, the elixir of life, draining, nothing to be done, it was far too late.
The white lamb landed with a thump, stained in dead life, suddenly weak, unable to run, wanting to die, her life was done.
Mary came, in her old dress, a sickening scowl, mocking the lamb's helplessness.
The lamb pleaded, "Leave me be, you've done your damage, its done, you can see!"
Mary stared and was satisfied, it was not the lamb she had aimed to slaughter, but the unborn child inside.
Her brown eyes flashed, her face turned a pallor gray, it was her fault, the games she used to play.
Summoning Mary in the past,trying the worst to be her best, all summoned Mary, bidding her to become a frequent guest.
The lamb turned, the light in her eyes jaded, with her realization, the land's colors faded. There were no rainbows, butterflies, no one to love, only ghostly sighs.
Mary was here to stay, to take the fruit of life away, at all times when there became a hint, a sparkle inside winter's womb, Mary would create winter, the innocent, entombed.
10:01 p.m. - 2008-02-04
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Stripes
The girl with the striped hair and greenish gold eyes lay helpless, devoid of any emotion.
Around her swirled darkness. She felt panicked and afraid. How could she be of use, what mistake had she made?
She sent golden haired girl with the sapphire eyes away, promising she would be back, that she would come to stay...
A lie, a lie from the woman, self appointed protector, to save the child, to create bliss and fun, treat her to dresses, dance in the sun.
Two souls as one, a deep understanding. Brought up the same, abandonded. Raised by two or three or four, bounced between lands, near and far.
She let her leave, golden girl, whom she decieved, how is it possible, why did not fight, how could she stand idle, as the golden girl with sapphire eyes was taken, into the night?
The brunette with the goldish green eyes, sat in the dark,empty inside. Physical pain shot through her body. She realized she was tired of being superfical, worrying about her weight and body. What to wear, why did she dare?
She was nothing, empty, unable to do anything at all, useless, dragged out, good to no one, a flopping trout.
Her hair slowly fell away, her eyes became dark, her body, once elegant, became plump, like pork.
If only she had tried harder, to save the girl that day, instead she wore a mask, let him come, let him take her away.
It is not over, she will fight, courage of a coward, a coward can find light. The vengeance took over, these were her kids, she promised to keep them safe, promised to make them happy, she can, as she once did.
12:53 a.m. - 2008-02-04
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The Strongest
Upstairs she lies, the greatest heroin of them all. Too tired to think, exhausted, lost, misery at its peak.
A white smoke fills the air. Cigarettes in bed, taken to numb the pain, to make the mind clear. A box in the background murmers words of other lives, fantasies, pictures move across a scene, numbing, meant to make the mind serene.
She, the golden haired heroin with eyes of the sea, the leader in battle, the righteous queen.
Capable of all, the dream maker of dreams, they come to her, expecting, hoping, she can turn their lives clean.
The heroin, the queen, is doing it all, giving her heart, her health, her sanity, herself.
Strongest of them all, they come to her, begging, pleading, give me a part of yourself.
The heroin is there at every turmoil, tantrum, and scene, her golden hair shines, eyes promise the ocean as waves of fury and hope collide, seen clearly when you look into her deep blue eyes.
The Lonely Prince and the Girl with Sapphire eyes gaze up at the Heroin with her soothing hair and oceanic eyes. The waves show determination, pounding against her eyes.
The solid gold heart, made of the purest available, speaks words of encouragement, promises, does not fail.
The Golden haired heroin with the oceanic eyes is pulled in five different ways, each being pulling her to go on their chosen day.
The mother, a child in a crib, sobs for something more than can be done, sobs for her life back, the Heroin comforts her, telling her she must not run. To her she brings clothing and change, books to write in, books, and stamp for things unpayed.She too is afraid.
The tears pour and she is numb. Around her, rain, heaven is falling, a darker side seems to be calling, working to push us away.
The Golden haired woman with the oceanic eyes, staning on a pedestal, the Queen of Heroins, she will not give up, she will not lose this fight.
Gently, she guides her army, providing instructions on the masks, letting them know, we are together, we will be fine.
The small ones, the prince, waits to see what he can find, what can he do, how can he be kind? Quietly he sits, reaching out for random hugs, working to help, for the love of the golden haired girl with her sapphire eyes.
The brunette, with gold and green eyes, awaits instructions, incapeable of making decisions, wanting to help, feeling swallowed by pain, unwilling to let go, to ignore the shame.
They linger under, their eyes look up, waiting direction, from the queen heroin with the oceanic eyes:
They sit below her, their heroin, their guide: Tommorow we call lawyers, tomorrow we fight. It is illegal, it is a lie. Sapphire eyes belongs here, otherwise, her soul is likely to die. We do not have much time, we must act now, we are strong,invincible, this we shall not allow!
Upstairs, does she cry? So strong, immortal, a heroic angel, dressed in disquise? Amazing, Athena, Zeus would be proud, She can move rain, brighten clouds. Storms rage in the seas, but no singler tear, to be strong, too afraid to show fear.
The mask... Will it kill her, create a resentment and true hate? Two places at once, ten things to do, pulled in to pieces, so much to do.
The Goddess,the Heroin, Athena in form, so respected, with love adorned. An army of one, we are your children now, you, are goddess, heroin... We have you crowned.
Give us guidance, do not work too hard, we need you well, you cannot fall apart. Our one hope must not forget about themselves, the strongest woman, our Goddess, with golden hair and eyes of the sea....
I ask you this, I give you this plea:
Let me help you, you've no idea but you saved me, you, the strongest woman, I plea, do not become chained, remain free.
12:02 a.m. - 2008-02-04
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Night
The heroins sat, cold and afraid, feeling hopeless again, what pact had been made?
Could they follow through, would the child be girl be okay, what if the plan foiled, could the evils be baid?
The golden haired girl with sapphire eyes sat in the tower, her prison, her demise. In the light of the moon her freckles the stars traced, unwilling to let her go, guarding her, knowing she was encased.
Two golden birds sat with her in the cage, her sole companions, confidants in this lonely masquerade. The earth cried with her, knowing her pain, the sky grew darker, under a new reign.
The evils had taken over the sun and the moon, eclipsed the beauty, the laughter, white of the moon.
The golden haired girl with sapphire eyes and freckles that traced the stars in the sky sat in a corner, wishing to die.
Her window was seiled with iron bars, allowing only dim light in and a few mourning stars.
She thought of the child who lay in the crib, her mother, a talented woman, once her hero, so big. Her stomach churned with sorrow and loneliness, yearning for understanding, wishing her family was not disbanding.
Silent, alone, afraid, what had she done, what had she unmade? Should she have kept silent, should she have acted, been more afraid? Confusion, overpowering, kept her mournfully dazed.
In another corner sat thread and needle, a loom to create, forced to sew, she felt deep anger and hate.
A princess in a tower, kept with a lume, forced to sew, unable to bloom.
Every stitch, a mark of time, passing of death, threading a piece of her soul, an ungodly request.
Unable to leave her tower, her loom, the sapphires dimmed, feeling her doom. They too, would have completely died, if it was not for the heroins, working through the night. They huddled in corners, sitting by candle light, dimly flickering, churning with ocean's might. Tears fell, green to blue, creating another puddle of a deep sapphire hue.
The Golden haired girl, such a gift, eyes of sapphire and hair spun with reeds from the sun, freckles that traced the stars in the sky, sat so sad, sat wanting to be saved, unsure how she ended up in this tower cave.
The moon went out, the stars said goodnight, singing a song for the girl with the golden hair and sapphire eyes, putting her to sleep, a sleep of tranquility, to take away the fear and sorrow... at least until tomorrow.
10:21 p.m. - 2008-02-03
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Part II
And still, it was not over.
The golden haired girl with sapphire eyes cried tears that pooled, leaving puddles of sorrow.
The heroins sat in a circle, their bright hair shining. A war was on, the time had come, they would fight, the battle was not dying.
They put their masks on and marched into battle. They smiled and laughed with the evils, hiding their hate and sorrow. The evils had lied to the golden haired girl, promising not to steal, only to borrow.
Two forces at battle, both sides smiling, pretending it was okay, both sides lying. The tall evil, like a stork with a fish, huddled the golden haired girl, suffocating her, like prey on her dish.
The golden hair girl with sapphire eyes squirmed but did not pull away, more tears flooded from her eyes, today like yesterday.
At night she dreamed of the weak one in a crib, a child, her mother, who used to be her guardian, now in need of a bib.
Two of the heroins met the golden haired girl on a gray rainy day, determined to give her everything they could, until she was free, never to play.
The golden haired girl put on a strong face, knowing she was loved, that she would be okay.
The little prince joined them for a dinner of celebration and gaiety in the honor of the golden haired girl with the sapphire eyes, the gaiety forced, veiling the sadness at the risk of their plan's demise.
The golden haired girl only stayed for a while, the evils came again, full of superficial laughs and smiles. The stork took the golden haired girl with sapphire eyes, locking her up in the tendrils of her arms and webs of lies. The sapphire eyes flashed and then died, her golden hair paled, and later she cried.
To the heroins she sent messages of dire distress, wishing things were different, begging to be back in their warm caress. She knew she was loved, but the legal resources they lacked, how could they fight, how would they be backed?
The golden haired heroin, much like the girl with hair of reeds spun from the sun, promised to fight, promised the evils had not won. She vowed to bring lawyers, smiles, and forms, promising that soon golden haired girl would feel loved and warm.
A mighty heart and arms of wings, a shining crown, eyes serene. She too wore a mask, hiding her fear, to her, the golden haired girl was much too dear.
Too dear to be taken, to wise to be fooled, too loved to be melancholic, too broken to be misunderstood.
And the heroin went off in the night, hanging to the golden girl, in heart but not sight.
Soon again will she see her, allow her to be free, give her wings that she deserves, the love that she desperately needs.
And still, it is not over...
8:35 p.m. - 2008-02-03
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Sapphire Eyes
(Note: This entry is not about me, but an abstract story)
Bright green eyes, lit up sapphires with every smile. Golden blonde hair, spun like reeds plucked directly from the sun. A smile to die for, a laugh that turns dry ice to tap water...
A child of ten, beautiful and wise beyond her years.
Her guardian is dying. The house is dark, the rooms, covered in daisy yellow and cream white, are somehow grey. The sun is shining through the huge windows, the exotic birds chirp with happiness.
It is dark, it is grey as death and hopelessness hover in the air. Mother and child lie in bed upstairs. The mother is ill, the daughter, the self appointed, becomes guardian. The mother sobs and moans, repeating, "I want to die, if they take you I will die. The daughter does not speak of the days at home, the bed days, where she lay watching as her mother allowed the poison liquids to take over, to take her sanity, dignity, concience, and soul. Too sick... She was too sick to care, too dead to know.
The little girl with the hair spun of gold taken from the sun and eyes of rare sapphires watched. She whispered to the pitiful, frightened, weak woman on the bed "I won't leave you, I won't let you die."
The little girls words were soothing enough but still her mother lay, unmoving, consumed by the poison, chosen as her fate.
Then on a day, when things were at the end, the mother in bed, the guardian at school, with all hope lost, the sapphires dimming, the gold not as light, two heroins came in, just before night.
These heroes, so much alike, also golden hair, and eyes ocean light Like the guardian, she took the elusive lump of grey, and warmed her with her light. These women heroins, both created of strength, love, and the golden sunlight, came to the rescue, before the fateful night.
The grey matter lying in bed, was she alive, was she dead? A horrific image, a pitiful sight, once so tall and proud, golden like her sisters, now an unrecognizable fright. They took her away, this screaming mass of death and grey, knowing she would be better, capable of capturing the sun again someday.
A place to become one of them again, a strong warrior, a golden sister, a woman who can laugh again. There she is and there she stays.
The girl with the sapphire eyes and hair spun of reeds from the sun was taken to a bright place, full of laughter and fun. Though tears so precious and rare fell from the sapphire eyes, smiles crossed her face, pacts were made, promises on crossed hearts, and she was less afraid.
Her crown became not a burden but light, no longer guardian, but an eternal princess, filled with light. Her palette was adorned with brown sugar and chocolate, crepes, and Sprite. Her companion, an empathetic prince. He, the man of the house, so full of love and laughter, honest and sincere, his eyes of the ocean, their depth unclear. Together they strode along the street, laughed at jokes, made fun of what candy the young woman eats.
The young woman, not a sun person at all, but as gentle as the clouds on a summer day, quick to think as fast, a challenger of evil, molder of sorrow to glad.
Her wardrobe expanded, visions of puppies again danced in her hed. No longer to carry the burden of guardian to the half dead, she was free...
This was not the end.
Two creatures came into the night. One face happy, the other a lie. Promises not to take the Princess, promises of lies. Away they went, escorting her to their dark hell, rage,rivers red.Then Something happened, a terrible twist of fate...
The princess's eyes again went dark, her sunlit head dimmed, stripped of her title, chains placed on her head.
A moment flashed... The guardians were at a loss, the golden heroin's hair , suddenly eclipsed. Empathetic prince, slept so peacefully in his bed, unaware. Had he known he would have fought, cried and yelled, I want my princess back!
Venom and hate, covered in smiles and lies, two words, one dark, one light. The dark shadows flipped night and day, turned gold into black, unlit her sapphires, kidnapped..
Golden girl is gone, they took her away. The evil shadows have her, the wretched liars with no social pact. Up is down, and down is grey, death looms, in so many ways.
It could have been perfect, had the evil's stayed away, left golden girl to shine, to have her day.
Again she is a guardian, a princess in chains, ten simple years, broken and alone, prisoner in a pitch black home.
11:29 p.m. - 2008-02-01
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